Holding on and letting go
by ourpapertowns
Summary: Loosing someone confuses you, it turns your life upside down, it makes you question everything you ever believed in. It changes you. When Kurt get the news about Finn he is alone in New york, when the sense of lost becomes to strong he storms out the aparment, only to find that life sucks, karma is a bitch and the only person he ever hated was right there at the same coffee shop.
1. Chapter 1

**Fairly AU since well 5x01 happened. Spoiler 5x03 (which would be weird if you don't know already, but just in case.) Character death; Finn. **

**Tittle from the song "Holding on and letting go" by Ross Copperman. (I found him because TVD and I love it!)**

Hi there :) I've thought on do something like this for a while, and only now I could write it without crying my eyes out so I really REALLY really hope you like it and I want to write a few more chapters for this and develop the story a lot more but I don't know if you'd like to keep reading so please if you do so leave a comment, thank you :)

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_"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."_

Loosing someone is such a tricky thing it'd be hard to understand for those who had never experienced it before. It confuses you, it turns your life upside down, it makes you question everything you ever believed in. It changes you.

And you'd think that loosing a mother would prepare you for life, that it'd built armour so strong around you that nothing would ever hurt you as bad nor as deep, that you'd be immune to pain like you have already felt the amount of pain allowed in your life, but no. It doesn't.

One thing is to lose someone when you are a kid, sure enough lose a parent is hard, it's freaking hard, but when you are a kid and you barely remember her voice, I don't know, I guess you learn to grow up without her and at some point it becomes normal, like you don't think about it only until some days when you need her perfume to remember how she used to smell and allow you to get lost in the vague memory of her essence to bring her back to you for just a little.

_But this is completely different. Harder._

What happens when the person you lose is part of your everyday life? How do you move on from that? When the person you lose is the person who used to be your bully but then became crush and then into your stepbrother and then to a confident, and then finally it was your brother. And don't forget he could also have been your brother-in-law. You can't keep up with life as it were okay.

_What happens when the person you lost is the person you've grown wiser with?_

I felt tears build behind my eyes, they burn and surely redden my eyes, but they don't fall. I can't cry, not a single tear, I think so much of my energy is fixed in keeping myself in one piece that I'm too tired to blink them away of my eyes, but I feel them.

I am still curled right where I fell on the floor, the lights in the apartment had slowly faded away with the sun, hours ago I think, now it's so quiet and dim I'm afraid that turning on the lights would break something. I think something would be me. Rachel is not even here, I don't know if she knows and she's worst than me or if she is a happily flying still ignorant to Mexico for her parent's anniversary.

_What happens when the person you lost is a crucial part in your life? You can't move on pretending he never existed._

I have the overwhelming sensation of lost, like someone had ripped up my chest open and stole a part of me with bare hands. It was awful, it made me feel powerless, I wanted to scream but when I did no sound came out, only a sharp gasp scratching my throat inside like a knife.

It hurt not only emotional but on a physical level that I barely came to realize as I hugged both legs close to my chest wishing I could just disappear into thin air.

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I have no idea how much time passed until I couldn't fight the emptiness anymore, but outside wasn't as crowed as it should so I'm guessing a couple of hours might had gone as I stared to the void. Right in front our building was a huge park covered in a thick layer of fog that a little lighter sprawled through the streets also giving the whole a night an eerie depressing vibe, it was almost funny. I'd have laughed if I could remember how.

Two blocks away I decided it was far too cold and too deserted to wander around, I tightened my fingers against the fabric of the sleeves before walking in a small coffeehouse. I pushed the door and it swung open with a bell jingle which sounded creepy as it cut the silent in the room. The girl cleaning the counter looked up immediately, her deep green eyes almost too big for her little face, and then she frowned for no apparent reason.

"Hi." The girl said when I'd approached to the counter. "You look like crap."

"…Thank you?" I doubted, my voice uneven and scratchy; the hoodie was bulky and Finn's but…

_What happens when half your closet is filled with his clothes because admitting or not they are comfy? Could you bring the courage to throw them away to avoid the pain?_

The girl spoke again breaking my thoughts, her face seemed apologetic "No, no not that. I'm sorry, but you look sad and probably I shouldn't keep doing this with new costumers but please let me give you hot chocolate and try to make you feel better." She smiled gently, her eyes bright and more gentle that expected for a barista.

"Thank you, really." I said in the most gentle voice I could handle. "But I don't think hot chocolate can fix anything, I'll take a black coffee."

"But that won't help you either." She frowned yet again, but she looked caring like she honestly wanted to help. "Can I at least add some whipped cream on top to sweeter your night?"

I figured two things, first I hadn't eaten all day and two she wasn't letting me go until I accept something that fitted her idea of "fix—a—heart" food and I wasn't particularly chatter moody so although the sound of whipped cream echoed on my throat as a disgusting gag I said yes.

"Why don't you sit over there?" She gestured to a loveseat on the far away corner, with her smile growing wider by the second. "I'll be right back."

I sat there, waiting.

I hate people who are sad and depressed but decide to walk around public places looking like they are in the verge of snapping and cry their eyes out, for me it's always been a way to draw attention towards them, which seems oddly since whenever I feel sad the last thing I want is attention, but now I understand them. It's not because you want to cry outside, or prove to the world that you are sad, as I always imagined, it was because when people you don't know walks by you, or in this case bring you hot coffee, you can't collapse on the floor screaming.

Being outside was a relief because you can't allow yourself to shatter into tiny pieces as you are supposed to.

The bell on the door jingled carry me out of my head and back to the coffee-house, I didn't look up immediately though. I was too busy with my eyes glued to the ugly carpet remembering how to fake a smile that would drive the girl, who seemed like a nice person, away from me before I stop having the control over myself and start screaming that I hated whipped cream.

_And death._

I was about halfway of finding a way of curling my lips into a semi normal smile when someone stood out of nowhere shadowing me from the yellowish light. I brought myself to peer above my head. Whoever he was —because it was definitely a he— was lean and tall and too well dressed for a Wednesday night, take that back, for any night in this neighbourhood. I was about to look at the face when something snapped inside me.

"Karma is a fucking bitch" He said, his annoying smirk ready to appear in the corner of his mouth. Sebastian, and fuck my life.

My stomach clenched at the mere presence of him. I wish I could say I hate him, but I had so many things in my head there was no room for hate.

"Only worthless people blame Karma." I bitted back, but it didn't sound as hatred as I intended to.

"Not that is any of my business but you look like you are ready to throw up, or faint. You okay?"

And no I wasn't. I freaking wasn't because my brother was dead and I couldn't even gasp my mind around it and now the only guy I dislike enough to fantasize about torture him was right in front of me. But I couldn't or wanted to say that and allow him any power over me.

"Here's it is, hon. I hope it helps" The blond overjoyed girl jumped in for my own relieve offering me a smoky cup of what I supposed was my coffee. Then when she gave me the hot cup her eyes looked around and found Sebastian's then she turned back to me, and back to him once more and as that snapped something inside of her she said "You should take care of him, you know?" if anything she sounded pissed.

It might be me who's not in the mood for chitchat, jokes, or wrong guessing games, but that was so out of the blue I had the urge of punch the girl's face right in that moment. And I was the one who professed violence led nowhere.

"So you are not okay then." Sebastian spoke, his eyes scrutinizing me up and down. I felt vulnerable. I felt on the verge of tears, and I hated it. I hated to feel this way in front of him. "A tall cappuccino." He said, gesturing her to go.

I didn't know what he meant to do. Neither when he sat on the couch before me. The girl left annoyed, but I guess she sensed that was out-of-place, to be fair Sebastian was completely out-of-place too.

I was shocked, for the girl being such a friendly yet annoying barista and for running into the only guy I've ever hated on one of the worst days of my life. But mostly I was shocked because Sebastian himself was nothing like the guy I have memories of.

He looked distressed without the Dalton uniform, as if an enormous weigh had been lifted off his shoulders without the blazer. Now, I had never seen or wanted to see him out of school hours (minus the lovely evening at scandalous) but he dressed much more casual that I expected. A loosely grey knitting cardigan with dark pants, a white scarf and messy hair falling down his forehead, it make him look older or mature if that word was applicable to Sebastian Smythe.

He held the same cocky sneer he always had because that was something he couldn't erase of his face apparently. And he had a pair of keys moving loosely between his fingers.

"Stop staring me like that." He scoffed and I noticed I'd been eyeing longer than what seemed appropriated for someone you hate.

I glared down at my hands, steam rising from the mug making soft white traces in front of me.

"So…?" He dragged. I knew he was trying to get into my nerves as always but I was edgy, any moment now I'll snap. I could feel it, I needed to be alone. In public, but alone where nobody cared about me. "C'mon if you don't tell it's not funny."

I used every ounce of self-control I had left to look at him dead in the eyes and prayed it would make him leave. "I'm not doing this now."

Needless to say it didn't work. "Fine. I will guess… Blaine left? Not wait that already happened. Let me see, wardrobe problem? Rachel Berry choked on her own ego and died?"

I looked down again. I couldn't face it, the very word "died" send shivers down my spine and suddenly the emptiness I felt before was there as if it wanted to tear me apart inside out. I shivered. It was the most defenceless I have ever felt with Sebastian there. I felt crashed.

"I have bigger problems than dealing with you." I stood up, hoping he would just let me go.

"Your coffee." The blond girl told him, still annoyed. I gave her a small nod, managed a decent smile to thank her and went away.

As soon as I crossed the door I felt the wind blowing on my direction, it was cold and moist, and it felt liberating. Almost comforting compared to the dense air inside the coffeehouse.

I hadn't made it to the corner when his hand grabbed my arm and spoon me around "wait." He said, his expression changed when he locked eyes with me. Undoubtedly mine were red and puffy and completely shattered.

"I can't." was all I said before walking away.

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If you have any critics (good or bad) tell me :)

Mistakes are all mine, characters no, sadly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! First of thank you for the favs and comments I'm really glad you like it! I started writing this mostly for myself, as a way of dealing with things, and that you like it means a lot for me! :)**

That being said, I saw "the quarterback" (Those merely 15 seconds that brough all of us to tears.) and this part a little and the next one a lot more are inspired by that.

I know it's a little shot but the next one will be longer I promise! Again I hope you enjoy it :)

**(I just edited the chapter, I re-read it and there were a few things I disliked so I changed them)**

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_"Sleep would be so welcome. A warm blanket of black to erase everything else. Sleep without dreams." _

The next time I found Sebastian was at the next morning after I haven't gone to the apartment all night, and pretty much wandered around for hours. I didn't sleep. I couldn't bring myself to go back there, there were too many thing I wanted to avoid, like the phones Rachel could call. She'd ask me an explanation, and I did not have one.

_"Why? she would ask. _

_I don't know, because life is freakingly unfair that's why. I sucks. I'd reply."_

I sat on a park's bench hugging both legs, my head easily resting on my knees. I stared blankly at the fog slowly fading as the sun raised from behind buildings. It couldn't be more than six in the morning and the entire neighbourhood seemed asleep. I wondered how much I could go without going home or sleeping, certainly not much, I'm exhausted. I wish I could just sleep, I wish I could stop my head from thinking, but I couldn't all I did was creat and play different scenarios over and over, where nothing had happened. Where he is here.

Where everything is normal again.

"I don't care if it's called the big apple, New York isn't big enough for both of us." I heard his voice again, he might as well has followed me all night just to torture me. It felt like the sequel of a low-budget horror movie, the scene slightly changed, but the characters and their relationship's remain the very same.

It was almost funny, so funny I'd have laughed if I could remember how.

"Is this your new hobby? Stalk me?" I looked up, exasperated. My voice sounding cranky and low. "You know, normal people play instruments."

"Do you want to be my instru—?" Sebastian tried, and stopped cracking up a smirk. "No, forget it. I can't be flirty with you, it makes me wanna vomit."

"Well, it isn't a nice idea for me either." I replied as sarcastically as I could. I wasn't fond of his presence or his flirt. Or his voice. Or his all sudden model-ish appearance. I wasn't fond of him and I wanted him gone, period.

Sebastian shrugged and of course because he tend to do that lately, took a seat in the same bench where I was. I didn't move. He sought out a red white box from his pocket, taking a cigarette from it, lit it up and somehow stretching it as an offer. I took it. "Seems the city got into you, you aren't that delightful virgin anymore" He smirked, as always, the way I just want to knock it out of his face.

"Things change" _dead changes them_. "Everything but my hate." And then I dragged a huge amount of smoke to my lungs, it was the first time I smoked and I didn't like it, but people say it's comforting and I could really use some comfort now.

He took the cigarette out of my grip "I appreciate your endless devotion to me."

"And I'm very glad you are numb to other's people hate." He blew out the smoke directly at me, childish. "Why are you here? Don't you have other place to go, perhaps someone's bed?"

"It's a free country I can do whatever I want."He scoffed, the cigarette dancing on his lips. For a second a part of me was almost relieved he was around, it was so easy to fight with him instead of thinking. A psychologist would say that hate is easier to deal with than lost. And it sure is.

Sebastian tilted his head back sighing out smoke. "Okay done with the chit-chat, want to tell me what the fuck happened with you?"

_Of course he didn't forget, I was dreadful, depressed and broken and sure looked like that, how could he?_

"No, no really." I sighed looking down to my knees. "Why do you care anyway?"

"I don't." He blew out more smoke. "But I'm not that jerk, I didn't even imagine you could look this miserable and I think whatever happened must be something bad."

"Ha, the fuck it's bad." I said. I felt burning tears behind my eyes but I didn't dare to cry, to cry would mean snapping and breaking all the barriers between me and the pain and I can't do that now, I won't be able to handle it.

I don't know why or how he did it but the next thing he said was "Who died?"

And I breathed heavily feeling the air around us thickening, there it was again the word; _dead_ treating to tear me apart. I felt the hole in my chest, bigger and more painful than ever. It was overwhelming. "My brother." I mouthed instinctively.

There was a silence following my confession that I didn't dare to break. I couldn't even glance up. I haven't intended to tell him, it has escaped my lips before I could stop myself. I hugged my legs tighter, as if that would prevent me from snapping.

"Oh you gotta be kidding me. Fuck. Fuck—"

He kept swearing under his breath but I couldn't hear or make sense of the words anymore, suddenly everything around me had stopped. I'd said it aloud and all at once I was crushed by the true. My brother, yes, he… oh my god, yes _he had died._

_It's dead. Dead. Oh god, I hate dead and life and everything. He wasn't supposed to go._

_He was my brother._

_He was… no he is. He can't be a "was"._

_Was? What the hell does it means?_

_That I'm not seeing him again?_

_That I'm growing old without him?_

_That I would never know how his and Rachel kids would have looked like?_

_No I won't._

_It means it's over._

_Oh god it's over. Please don't let it be over._

_It can't. It can't be over. No._

_No. No. It can't._

"Kurt! say something." Sebastian shouted, I had almost forgotten he was there. He took my chin and forced me up, if anything he looked worried. "Shit you are shivering."

I motioned my mouth to speak but nothing came out, I wasn't crying yet, but soon enough I will and I felt tears catching the words in my throat.

"Hey. Wait. Look at me. Oh fuck stop shivering Kurt."

_Why was I shivering?_ I didn't realize I was, well I guess I don't have that much control over my reactions anymore.

"Karma is not a bitch, is the bitch." He screeched between annoyance and exasperation, then took a drag out of the cigarette before throwing it away and said in a smoother voice. "You need to go home."

I have spent the night out looking for a way of forgetting, of avoiding Rachel and memories but suddenly wanted it. I wanted to be at home. I wanted to be close to the things I have. I wanted to wrap myself inside his clothes and just be there because it was all messed up and I don't understand how things move on from this.

"Okay." I hugged the hoodie closer to me, if it was possible.


End file.
